101 Ways
by RisingFire
Summary: A collection of 101 ways stories, beginning with 101 detentions at Hogwarts, a.k.a. The Checklist for Beginner Rulebreakers. Chapter Four is up! Please R&R!
1. The Checklist for Beginner Rulebreakers

A.N/ I know, I know. This has been done so many times, it's practically tradition. But it was fun to write, and I hope it will be fun to read.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the RSPCA, the Ghost of Christmas Future, Red Bull, a dog whistle, a Ford Anglia, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, a psychic scar, The Wicked Witch of The West, Gandalf, Willy Wonka (this is getting ridiculous), The Wizard of Oz, The Grim Reaper, a paintball gun, Bella Swan, The BFG, Rudolph the red-Nosed Reindeer, Defying Gravity (the song), Airplanes (the song), Walking in the Air (the song), Hitler, a beaver, a ferret, KFC, Pizza Hut, McDonalds, Pizza Express, I feel pretty (the song), or .

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**THE CHECKLIST FOR BEGINNER RULEBREAKERS**

1. Food fights are NOT a great way to promote inter-house unity.

2. I must not steal and hold for ransom hair care products.

3. Professor Snape is not in need of Draco's hair care products.

4. First years should not be used to play fetch with dangerous creatures.

5. There is not a Harry Potter fan club, nor has there ever been, and nor will there ever be. It is not funny to lie about this to the first year girls.

6. I will not aggravate the Hufflepuffs by suggesting that their house is a brand of pillows and/or marshmallows.

7. I must not take out life insurance on Harry Potter.

8. Or the next DADA teacher.

9. I will not call the RSPCA, or any other society, because of unfair treatment of animals in lessons.

10. Fluffy should not be taken for a walk because 'he needs exercise'. This is an irresponsible and idiotic idea.

11. Saying, "How do you confuse an idiot?" to a Slytherin and then walking off is not funny, nor does it prove anything.

12. I shall not send 'Get well soon' cards to Voldemort after he is beaten by Harry.

13. I shall not send Snape a vulture hat, a red handbag, a dress and a feather boa for Christmas.

14. It is not a good idea to send Mrs. Norris up to the third floor corridor on a whim.

15. Or Crookshanks.

16. Harry Potter does not have a psychic scar, and neither do I.

17. Professor Snape will not melt if left out in the sun, and this is not a valid experiment.

18. I shall not give Dobby red bull, and I definitely should not tell him, "It gives you wings".

19. Dosing Professor Snape's morning coffee with polyjuice potion to turn him into Lockhart, Horace Slughorn, a house-elf or a random first year is not a good way to start the day.

20. The House Cup is not a conspiracy to create a school of suck-ups.

21. I must not give Peeves tips or supplies.

22. I will not convince the first years that "Deatheaters" is the name for a cookery club specialized in experimental dishes.

23. I will not teach the front doors to recognize Filch and to not allow him in.

24. Veritaserum is not a substance to be placed into the tea of students or teachers.

25. Peeves must NEVER be told the password to Dumbledore's office.

26. I will not tell Professor Trelawny that my teacup has predicted her untimely death.

27. Dementors are not related to the Ghost-of-Christmas-future.

28. Professor Lupin CAN hear the dog whistle and it hurt's his ears, so I should kindly stop blowing it.

29. Draco Malfoy's parents are not related (that closely) and I should stop therefore spreading rumors about them.

30. I will not tell the first years that any of the following is the voice of God: Me, Professor Dumbledore, Professor Snape, Voldemort, Peeves, Dobby or the Weasley Twins.

31. I should not confess to crimes that occurred before I was born.

32. House-elves are not here to do my homework.

33. First years are not 'the little people'.

34. It is not possible to get the Sorting Hat drunk. I should not try.

35. Crashing a Ford Anglia into the whomping willow is not the best entrance to make.

36. It is not funny to advertise Firenze for pony rides. At all.

37. Dumbledore's beard is real. There is no need to check.

38. 42 is not the answer to every test question.

39. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on Professors.

40. House-elves are not toys. I should not mess with them.

41. I am not allowed to tell Trelawney that my teacup says she's wrong.

42. I must not tamper with Dumbledore's sweet stash.

43. Or Lupin's chocolate stash.

44. Professor Umbridge will not melt if you pour water over her, because she is not the wicked witch of the west.

45. My headmaster is not Gandalf.

46. Neither is he The Wizard of Oz.

47. Or Willy Wonka.

48. I cannot see the Grim Reaper, and he is not standing behind Dumbledore tapping his watch impatiently.

49. Or Voldemort.

50. Or Harry Potter.

51. I am not authorized to organize a peace treaty with Voldemort.

52. I am not allowed to give Peeves a paintball gun.

53. I will not introduce Cho and Cedric to Bella Swan, or advertise the following catfight.

54. I will not call the Hufflepuffs pansies, the Ravenclaws smartasses, the Gryffindors drunkards or the Slytherins evil.

55. Hagrid is not the Big Friendly Giant.

56. James Potter's nickname should not have been 'Rudolph', and I will never again attempt to call him that.

57. I will not do my homework on edible parchment and give it to Sirius so that I can say the dog ate my homework.

58. I may not sing 'Defying Gravity' at Quidditch Practice.

59. I may not sing 'Airplanes' at Quidditch Practice.

60. I may not sing 'Walking in the air' at Quidditch Practice.

61. I may not sing at Quidditch practice.

62. I will not place an acromantula under Ron Weasley's bed again. It is not funny, even after the seventh time.

63. I will not use Harry's invisibility cloak to annoy the hell out of everyone in the common room without being seen.

64. The school is not repressing my creativity by giving me detentions.

65. The house-elves are not soloists, duettists, a choir, a pop group or even remotely musical, and should not be treated as such.

66. As fun as History of Magic classes would be without him, I should not attempt an exorcism on Professor Binns. It will not work.

67. I must not shout, 'Voldemort' at the top of my voice in the great hall to see who flinches.

68. I must not shout 'Constant Vigilance' at the top of my voice in the great hall to see who falls off the benches.

69. Owls are to be used for mailing letters ONLY.

70. It is not nice to make fun of Professor Flitwick's height by stealing his wand.

71. Peeves does not deserve a prefect badge. It is dangerous to give him one.

72. I will not place an enlarged slug under Ron Weasley's bed. It is not funny either.

73. The School Song was not made to be mocked.

74. Contrary to popular belief, I was at some point as small and gullible as the first years. I should remember this when dealing with them.

75. Lord Voldemort would not look good in a German uniform and a moustache.

76. Spells are not created by adding 'us', 'os', 'sa' or 'ium' to the ends of words.

77. I am not the next heir of Slytherin.

78. Neither is Harry Potter, so I should stop insinuating that he is.

79. I shall not obliviate people for the fun of it.

80. It is not amusing to make magical innuendos around the first years.

81. Or to explain these innuendos.

82. I will not place a deerhound under Ron Weasley's bed. The screaming is interrupting people's sleep.

83. Just because Voldemort is bald, does not mean he has cancer.

84. Pizza Hut, McDonalds, KFC and Pizza Express will not deliver to the common room.

85. Draco Malfoy may or may not be a natural blonde, and I should stop trying to find out.

86. A ferret is not an acceptable Christmas gift for Draco Malfoy.

87. A beaver is not an acceptable Christmas gift for Hermione Granger.

88. Professor Snape does not need a theme song, and it should not be 'I feel pretty', or anything to that effect.

89. Harry Potter does not require a bodyguard, and if he did, I would not be a good candidate for the job.

90. It is not entertaining to embarrass students with howlers in the great hall or other such public places.

91. Transfiguring the Slytherins into cuddly bunnies and the Gryffindors into rabid foxes is not a good idea.

92. Putting things under Ron Weasley's bed is not a good idea and I should stop now.

93. Colin Creevey does not want me to use his camera for inappropriate pictures.

94. The joke about 'Sirius' and 'serious' is not funny. It has not been funny since roughly 1975 when it was first made up. It will not be any funnier the more times I repeat it.

95. I am not (in any particular order) a ghost, professor, head boy, head girl, headmaster, headmistress, prefect, marauder, Weasley Twin, caretaker, caretaker's cat, member of the golden trio, or even a poltergeist, and I should not pretend to be any of them.

96. Peeves is unable to countermand any of the Professors or Prefects orders.

97. I will stop trying to sell The Sorting Hat before I am expelled.

98. Hogwarts does not have a student council, and even if it did, I would most certainly not be the president of it.

99. Detentions are for punishments, not planning more nefarious deeds.

100. I will stop giving out lists of my detention sentences in checklist form to the first years.

101. Never, EVER, introduce fan fiction to Hogwarts.

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A.N/ Did you like it? I hope you did, because otherwise I just wasted six hours that I could have been doing homework in. But, please tell. Press the pretty little review button. You know you want to. And, if you write enough, I might do a '101 ways to annoy Voldy' chapter as well. Just a little incentive.


	2. The Headaches of Lord Voldemort: Part I

A/N: I thought you deserved another chapter, after two weeks of waiting- so here it is! This is only Part One, so that you aren't overloaded with words at one time, but there will also be a list and another collection of stories. Also, I'm sorry about the layout, but 's editing layout seems not to be working.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Harry Potter characters, 'I feel pretty' (again), The Beach Boys (or their songs), Star Wars, or 'I wish it could be Christmas everyday'.

* * *

**THE CAUSES OF VOLDEMORT'S MANY HEADACHES**

**PART I**

Voldemort sat, alone in the dark room, and steepled his fingers against his head, attempting in vain to rid himself of the menace in his head. He, Lord Voldemort, pained by a mere headache! He, Lord Voldemort, driven out of his mind by the demon that resided there! He, Lord-

A Death Eater interrupted his non-verbal rant, slipping into the room carefully. "My lord?"

"Yes?" He hissed, "What do you want?"

The figure seemed to straighten slightly when Voldemort did not curse him, or at the very least, dismiss him.

"My lord," the Death Eater repeated almost confidently, "I think you need to see a therapist."

Lord Voldemort blinked, surprised, at the absurdity of this suggestion. "A… therapist?"

The Death Eater (who for the purpose of this story shall now be called Gerry) nodded vigorously. "Yes, a therapist. And I know a good one too. His name is Dr. Aracorn, and he did a brilliant job with my daughter. Come along, now, you have an appointment at five! Don't want to miss it, now!"

Within the space of six minutes and forty-two seconds the Dark Lord and his mothering minion were sitting in the office of Dr. Jacques Aracorn after two uncomfortable apparitions and a stroll through an alleyway. The doctor had an appraising look on his face, as he raised an eyebrow at their odd attire.

"Gerry? And this is…" He looked at a piece of paper lying conveniently on the desk before him, "Thomas Puzzle?"

Gerry shifted uneasily away from Lord Voldemort, who had turned to glare at him. "Yes, Jacques, this is… Thomas."

"Nice to meet you, Thomas." Dr. Aracorn offered a hand, which was given a cursory glance before being withdrawn. The doctor sighed. "And what, precisely, can I help you with?"

Gerry answered for him. "Thomas here has been having headaches recently. I believe they are due to a myriad of… traumatic… experiences."

"Ahh… This is your Lord?"

Voldemort looked at him, wondering how this obviously muggle 'therapist' knew even that small nugget of information about the wizarding world.

"This is him."

"So… headaches, you say? And what do _you_ think could be the cause?"

"Probably," Voldemort spat out, "That one idiot Death Eater. And Potter."

"Potter? And what has this Potter done?"

"What hasn't he done? There was that mongoose- I'm sure that was him… And those stupid nicknames!"

"Wait. Start from the beginning. The first headache, perhaps."

"The first? Well, that would be the mongoose, I suppose- no, it started with the Hogsmeade incident."

The doctor nodded at him patronizingly, and he had to repress a 'crucio'.

"We were just in the middle of a duel! And he called me… He called me Tommy-boy!"

The therapist coughed, disguising a laugh. He fell silent when Voldemort glared at him.

"And then… Voldy-poo! And laughed at me! Before leaving! He didn't even stick around for a decent torture!"

Dr. Aracorn realized he was staring, and looked away. "Go on."

"Well… next, was the 'mongoose in the mail'. Exactly what I said. He posted a mongoose to me. It tried to eat my poor snake, Nagini-!"

"What about the… Death Eater?"

"The Death Eater… he was worse, if possible. And I still haven't caught him!" Beside him, Gerry began to look uncomfortable under his mask.

"That fool! He interrupted my meeting to tell me my plans were girlie! And that I would suit PINK better than BLACK! AND HE SCHEDULED ME A HAIRCUT! EVEN THOUGH I'M BALD!" Voldemort had lost his usual calm, collected state and the books on the shelves around them began to rattle.

"Calm down, Thomas! Go to your happy place."

"Cruc-"

"He's right, you know," Gerry interrupted.

"What?"

"Dr. Aracorn. He's right. You really should attend anger management classes, or something."

"YOU IDIOTIC-"

Gerry looked affronted. "Well, there's no need to shout at me like that. Say sorry."

"NO! I will not-!"

"Yes. Apologize." Voldemort turned to glower at Dr. Aracorn.

"Do it."

"Fine. Sorry," he sneered, "That all off my minions are blubbering-"

"Thomas."

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!"

Gerry stared at him blankly. For extra affects, he added a thin trail of drool down the side of his chin.

"Perhaps, Thomas, you should dance in the rain? It is a well-known folk method to cleanse your soul."

Voldemort gaped at him.

"I AM NOT DANCING IN THE RAIN! MY SOUL DOES NOT NEED CLEANSING!"

After a long, calming session (in other words, it continued in that vein for quite some time), their hour came to an end. Another session was scheduled for the following week (despite Voldemort's protests).

* * *

"MY TOENAILS ARE PINK! MY ROBES ARE PINK!" Bellatrix rushed in, an inquiring expression posted over her face.

"My lord?"

"Crucio!"

Screams brought the more foolish Death Eaters rushing into the bedchamber to watch the furious Dark Lord standing, wearing a pink bathrobe, with his wand pointed at the writhing Bellatrix.

"Sir?"

Voldemort snapped his head up towards the masked figure who had spoken, releasing his curse on Bellatrix. "What?"

"It's just that… don't you think, the Unforgivable Curses are a bit… overused?"

The Death eaters all turned to stare at him.

"I don't have time for this!" Grabbing the nearest Death Eater, he rolled up the sleeve of their left arm. His eyes widened comically at the sight there.

"PINK!" He screamed. Everyone winced. "WHO DID THIS?"

"I thought it should be something more… socially acceptable." The figure from before piped up. Voldemort's eyes narrowed and he leapt at the Death Eater, who disapparated with a 'pop'. Voldemort let out a shriek of fury. Everyone winced, again. The Death Eater re-appeared again, behind him. "My lord? Please stop shrieking. It's not very manly." Then he disapparated once more, snickering. The Death Eaters rushed for cover.

* * *

The Death Eaters had been summoned. They stood around in the room looking like the dumb minions they were. From the corner, a voice whispered, pointing his wand straight out towards them, "Coactum Universa," casting a compulsion charm on most of the rooms occupants.

"Death Eaters," Voldemort hissed, from the middle of the room, "We are gathered here-"

Then they began to sing.

As one, the assembled Death Eaters broke into a chorus of 'I feel pretty'. Voldemort stood there and stared, until the line, 'I feel stunning, and entrancing'.

"ENOUGH!" He bellowed. Unfortunately, the Death Eaters took no notice, and continued singing.

When they finished, a voice from the corner said, "Sorry, master! I thought you needed a theme song- but I didn't realize they were that bad at singing!" Before disapparating.

* * *

Voldemort was sleeping peacefully, dreaming of murdering Harry Potter. Suddenly, right in the middle of a beautiful killing scene, a voice intruded.

"Round, round, get around, I get around-"

"ARGH! SHUT UP" He yelled, bolting upright. He then screamed again. A Death Eater was staring down at him like a house elf.

"Good morning, master." The Death Eater then disappeared with a 'pop'. Voldemort shot a killing curse at a nearby ivy vine.

"STOP KILLING THINGS! I HAVE TO REPLACE THEM, YOU KNOW!" A vaguely familiar voice called up. In response, Voldemort short another curse at a caged bird.

"And then the Order shall be cap-"

POP!

Voldemort looked around to see who had interrupted his evil plans. When he saw no-one, he continued. "The Order shall surrend-"

POP!

A vein pulsed in his forehead. He took a deep breath and went on, "Surrender to us their informat-"

POP!

His normally pale face flushed. He gritted his teeth and began again.

"Their valuable infor-"

POP!

"WILL YOU STOP THAT!"

The room was quiet. Then a Death Eater at the back muttered, "Alright, chill. You really need to get rid of some of that anger. How about a stress ball? "

"I WILL NOT CHILL! HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST-"

POP!

"CRUCIO!" Voldemort shot a curse at the nearest Death Eater.

Pettigrew thrashed around, breaking several expensive-looking vases.

"I have to pay for that you know!" Shouted another Death Eater from the back, before apparating away. The final 'pop' seemed to drive him mad.

* * *

Another meeting was taking place.

"Severus, what have you discovered about-"

"Sir, have you ever considered the possibility that you are Harry Potter's father?"

"W-w-what? I mean, HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST THAT-"

"Oh, it's just like in Star Wars! You know-"

"OUT! GET OUT!"

The Death Eater scampered out, sniggering.

"Now, on with the meeting! Severus, as I was saying-"

"You know, I think he's right."

"Crabbe?" Voldemort raised an inquiring eyebrow.

"About you being Potter's father."

"CRUC-"

""Now, now," said the banished Death Eater, popping his head back through the doorway. "What did we say about overusing curses? Try 'Rictumsempra' instead- a good tickle is always the best form of tortue!"

Voldemort stared. And screamed.

_I don't blame him, _thought Pettigrew, wincing at the noise.

* * *

"My lord!" Gerry called out, rushing into the room. "Happy Christmas!" He let off a party popper, straight in Lord Voldemort's snake-like face, and went on, "I made you a present!"

"Presents? Were we meant to get presents?" Pettigrew squeaked from the corner of the room. Most people ignored him.

"Well? What did you bring me?"

"A lovely warm pair of warm, pink, knitted socks!" He held up a pair of disgusting hot pink socks that looked as if they'd been made by a house elf.

"NO! Get me something else!"

Gerry looked crestfallen, and then his face brightened. "I know! I'll give you a scar-tattoo on your fore-head! A really cool one, like that one Harry Potter has!"

"NO!"

"Oh… What about an acupuncture service coupon? I have some left from my daughter's treatment, you could-"

"NO!" Voldemort didn't actually know what acupuncture was, but if it was something of Gerry's daughter, he doubted he would want it.

"Awww, you're no fun… where's your Christmas Spirit?"

As if on cue, the Death Eaters burst into a terrible, out-of-tune chorus of 'I wish it could be Christmas everyday'. Voldemort covered his ears until they were finished.

When the horrible cacophony finally finished, Gerry winced. "Sorry, Sir, I forgot how terrible they are at singing," before disappearing with a 'POP'.

* * *

The Death Eaters had gathered once more for a meeting of dastardly planning.

"So, what do you think of this grand scheme of mine?" Voldemort's eyes glittered menacingly. No-one answered. Apart from… Gerry, disguised in a newly glittered mask, such as those of the other Deat Eaters (don't ask), at the far end of the table.

"It'll be like taking candy from a baby!" The Dark Lord glared at the girlish phrase, but nodded. "Exactly."

"Now, who wants to feed Nagini?" No-one answered, again. Apart from… once more, Gerry shot his hand up into the air.

"Oh, let me do it, sir! Nagini is such a pretty animal! She's the sweetest thing since sherbet dips!" Voldemort again shuddered from the wimpy exclamation, but replied with a nod.

"And, finally, we have the matter of killing that old fool, Dumbledore-!"

"Oh, I have a brilliant plan! Soon he'll be pushing up daisies!"

"STOP USING SUCH CUTESY SENTENCES!" Gerry blinked.

"Cutesy isn't a word, sir."

Voldemort sent him a super-mega-extra-evil-glare-of-death.

"You really should stop glaring, it'll give you wrinkles!"

"SHUT IT!"

"And all that bellowing really isn't good for your throat at all!"

"DIE, SCUM! AVADA-"

POP!

"-KEDAVRA! The green light shot straight at the unfortunate Goyle Sr., who toppled from his chair, stone cold.

POP!

"You really must improve your aim, Sir!"

There was a large, echoing, POP, as the entire congregation of Death Eaters disapparated at the same time, minus Goyle Sr.

Voldemort screamed, long and loud.

A house elf scurried in, her long ears draped around her head like a bandage.

"Master?"

Voldemort threw a near-by armoured gauntlet at the elf, who caught it.

"I'M FREE!" Yelled the elf.

"GET OUT OF HERE!"

"With pleasure, sir!"

* * *

Voldemort sat in his study, brooding over dark and malevolent thoughts-

"My Lord, I think your problem is that you could do with a good cuddle," Gerry announced, trotting into the room and throwing his arms around the confused man.

"There you go," He said, before leaving again.

Voldemort blinked.

"Well, that was odd."

* * *

A/N: So, how was it? Quick question- do you prefer short chapters (less than 5,000 words) , taking less time to upload, or long chapters, taking more? Leave your answers in reviews, please. The few I currently have are lonely. Be a good person, and leave them a review. Thank you.


	3. The Headaches of Lord Voldemort: Part II

A/N: I'm back, and I'm so sorry for leaving you. I missed your reviews. All four of them. I'll try and update the next chapter soon, but I can't promise anything, I'm afraid. I'm not too good at tying down stories, so expect the next chapter sometime between now and May.

* * *

**THE CAUSES OF VOLDEMORTS MANY HEADACHES**

**PART II**

Lord Voldemort and Gerry were back in Dr. Aracorn's office.

"So, Thomas, what have you had to put up with this week?" The therapist looked amused. Voldemort decided too ignore it.

For a while, he didn't speak. When he did, his voice was incredibly quiet, menacing, even. "That damned Death Eater-"

"-Now, now, don't swear-"

"That damned Death Eater dosed Nagini. WITH A LOVE POTION!"

Gerry covered up a smirk. "SHE'S BEEN FOLLOWING PETER PETTIGREW FOR A WEEK!"

Dr. Aracorn sat silently for a minute, digesting this information. Then, "Anything else?"

"Well, yes, yes, as a matter of fact! My dinner plates have all been COLOURED PURPLE! AND MY CHAMBER! AND **HE**'S THREATENING TO RELEASE THOSE PICTURES OF MR SNUGGLES AND-"

"Mr. Snuggles?"

"QUIET!"

"I suggest, Mr. Puzzle, that you lie still in a field of sunflowers for a week, to reflect on these occurrences. Or failing that, donating a large sum of money to a local Orphan's home-"

"I'LL SET THE BASILISK ON YOU-"

"Actually," Gerry interrupted, "I think Harry Potter got the better of you with that one. I mean, he did KILL it… Sorry, sorry! Although speaking of the-boy-who-you-just-can't-seem-to-kill,-"

"!"

"Don't you think you should consider just a kiss and make-up sort of thing with him? Otherwise, the-one-whose-scar-is-better-than-your-nose, is just going to keep humiliating you!"  
"!"

"Alright, don't SPEAK, then! How rude! I mean, I give you all these brilliant suggestions, such as a tattoo in the shape of a lightning bolt, and those brilliant fake glasses, and you just shout at me!"

"HOW DARE-"

Gerry held up his hand, palm towards Lord Voldemort's face.

"I'm ignoring you! Talk to the hand!"

* * *

Lord Voldemort glanced around suspiciously, glaring at various corners of the empty room, before calling in a Death Eater.

"Bellatrix!"

"Yes, master?" She said, slinking through the door at the end of the room, towards his right side. He winced at her proximity.

Just then, Gerry waltzed in, humming a tune that sounded awfully like 'I wish it could be Christmas everyday'. He stopped, seeing the two, and gasped, his hands flying to his mouth.

"You guys!" He gushed, "How great! You're finally together! Dibs on wedding planner!"

"WE'RE NOT TOGETHER!" The Dark Lord noticed how hoarse his voice was becoming with all the shouting.

"Are you sure?" The disappointment in his eyes was replaced, quite suddenly, by a joyous light. "But you would be such a brilliant couple! What with the whole, you know, insane thing you've got going on, you're a perfect match!"

"NO!"

"Why, my Lord! Your voice is becoming quite sore! Perhaps you should take it easy on the cursing, you know rest up a bit? I think I've got some old massage coupons somewhere-"

"GET OUT!" Voldemort wondered vaguely what a massage was. But anything with the word 'coupon' associated with it couldn't be good.

When they were alone again, he turned back to Bellatrix. "Now,-"

"What did you mean, 'We aren't together'?" The woman looked close to tears. "I work so hard on this relationship! How could you-!"

She burst into tears and flung herself from the room.

From down the hallway, Gerry's snickering was, luckily, muffled by his hands.

* * *

"My Lord! Guess what!"

"What, Gerry?"

"I've made you a facebook page!"  
"No, Gerry. Just… no."

* * *

"Potter, we meet again-"

"Brilliant line, sir!"

"QUIET! I'M SAVOURING MY VICTORY!"

"FINE, then, but I'm still not speaking to you! And I think you're far too mean to poor-Harry-who-really-makes-you-wonder-why-we-still-bother-fighting-for-you,-I-mean,-it's-obvious-he's-going-to-win-Potter!"

"!"

"So, old man, guess you just aren't as good as you used to be, are you? I remember the days when your minions had a healthy respect for-" Harry commented.

"Quiet, you!"

"Can't even say his name anymore, can you?" A random Death Eater called out from the back of the crowd.

Someone else called out, "You really should know your own child's name!"

"HE'S NOT-"

"It's pathetic!"

"You're scared of him!"

"SILENCE!" Lord Voldemort focused his attention on his disobedient horde, meanwhile allowing Harry to escape.

POP! Someone disappeared, unnoticed. _My work here is done,_ he thought, leaving the crowd behind.

"And I heard he was even together with that slut, Bellatrix!"

"SILENCE! THAT WASN'T TRUE!"

"HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT, MY LORD?"

"Yeah, Moldywart!"

One of the many hysterical onlookers decided to add to the chaos. With a choked-out spell, an army of odd sock puppets (dressed as the Golden Trio, Dumbledore, various Order members, and his therapist) latched themselves onto Voldemorts left leg. He swore, many times, and very loudly.

"What have I told you about swearing?" One of the sock puppets reprimanded.

POP! The caster, and many of his friends, apparated away, leaving a screaming Dark Lord in their wake.

* * *

The next few weeks were a flurry of pranks within the dark lords lair, among them a pair of rabbit's ears sprouting from Voldemort's head (which were still there), posters of Dumbledore naked sticking themselves to the walls behind him, wherever he walked, an assortment of nicknames echoing around his head all day, a pair of finger puppets following him and re-enacting battles between he and 'the boy', and a salute of mocking trumpets playing as soon as he entered the room.

Voldemort sighed. His baths were the only things he looked forward to nowadays. But even that had been ruined when Death Eaters had started commenting on the flowery smells. Lavender- ugh! How weak! And last night, when Bellatrix had walked in, stared at him in disgust, and left again- a bigger insult he'd never experienced! Still, at least she wasn't chasing him around anymore.

* * *

"Sir! Sir!" Oh, dear Grindelwald, not him again…

"Yes, Gerry?"

"This maniac thing really isn't working out for you, is it? Perhaps you should try a different style? I hear flourists are doing well nowadays! And that would suit you so well!"

"Go away, Gerry."

"But, sir-!"

"I have a meeting. I need to work out how to get rid of that old fool, Dumbledore."

Gerry cocked his head. "You know, I never did work out why you're afraid of dear old Dumbles… He gives out the best sherbet lemons, you know!"

"BE QUIET!"

Gerry stared at him, concern in his eyes. Then he nodded understandingly. "Would you like a glass of chocolate milk, sir?"

* * *

"Happy Birthday!" A faint irritation called out to him as he paced into the ballroom. He opened his eyes warily. At least forty party poppers went off in his face, and a large amount of confetti was pelted at him. He blinked. Everywhere there were… bears.

"Do you like it? I decided to throw you…. A carebear themed party!"

A what?" He growled, a slight feeling of dread careening down his spine.

"A carebear-themed party, of course!"

Voldemort shook his head. He sighed. "What do I have to do?"

"First off is Twister! You have to know Twister!"

"Twister?"

Needless to say, in approximately sixteen minutes, with one leg draped over Lucius, one arm twisted between Peter Pettigrew and Snape, and another curved behind his back and under his right foot, the Dark Lord was sincerely regretting entering the ballroom.

"You're out, my Lord! You touched the floor!"

The next thing anybody knew made them wish they were still unconscious.

"GET THEM OFF ME, GERRY!"

After the 'Twister Incident', as it was now dubbed, he was reminded that, as in any birthday, there were presents.

Oh yes, there were presents.

After six more sets of Gerry's terrible socks, a plant that attempted to strangle him, a box of chocolates, that, by the look of Mucliber's face were poisoned, a large red and white teddy bear reading, _My Lord + Bella Forever,_ a framed newspaper article featuring his humiliation a few weeks ago, a stress ball, at least ten coupons for various spas and a therapists bill, Voldemort was beginning to dislike the idea of birthdays.

"And of course, no party would be complete without a game of Poker!"

"Really? Can't this party be incomplete?"

Gerry looked affronted. "Of course not!"

"You have no Poker-face, my lord." The entire table rolled their eyes simultaneously. Gerry had been 'getting on their nerves' for so long now that it was a wonder he hadn't ridden off into the sunset on them yet.

"And if you have no Poker-face," the annoyance went on, "how on Earth do you expect to defeat Potter, hey? Answer me that!"

Lord Voldemort's head sank slowly down into his palm.

"I think perhaps we should play another game, Gerry," Snape spoke for the congregation.

"Face-painting!" Gerry was dashing from the room to fetch the make-up before his squeals had finished echoing.

"I've given you the look you always wanted!" Gerry raised a mirror to Lord Voldemort's face. Lord Voldemort repressed the urge to scream.

"You've given me a scar on my forehead, shaped like a lightning bolt. Glasses. AND BLACK MARKER PEN SCRAWLED ACROSS MY CHEEKS, SAYING, "I AM HARRY POTTER'S NO. 1 FAN!"

Gerry beamed. "Exactly!"

* * *

"Here, my Lord! Try this!" Voldemort tentatively took a bite of the greenish meet offered up to him, before spitting it out.

"Disgusting! What is it?"

"Nagini, sir!"

Voldemort choked.

* * *

"Look, my Lord! Try this!" Voldemort glared at Gerry's hopeful face before trying a bite of the proffered meal. He then spat it out.

"What are you feeding me?"

"It's a rat that I found in Peter Pettigrew's room and cooked!"

Voldemort choked.

* * *

"Hey! My Lord! Have a sip of this!" Voldemort sighed and took a tiny swallow of the steaming drink in front of him. He squinted suspiciously at Gerry.

"What is this?"

"I'm not too sure… It was in Snape's room!"

Voldemort choked.

* * *

"Hey, my Lord! Guess what!"

"What?

"Bellatrix has a crush on you!"

"DIFFINDO!" A pot plant shattered.

"Hey! I gave you that!"

* * *

"My Lord! Guess what!"

Voldemort remained silent.

"Peter Pettigrew has a crush on you!"

"CRUCIO!" Rookwood screamed.

"I thought Dr. Aracorn told you to stop doing that?"

* * *

Dear Death Eaters-

I regret to inform you that due to circumstances beyond anybodies control, our Lord has decided to take a long break to release stress. I am to accompany him, so please do not hesitate to owl me if you need anything. However, please try not to disturb our Lord, as it is incredibly likely that his blood pressure will soon prompt a heart attack or something similar.

Lucius is to be left in charge for the time being. Please do not consider this change permanent.

Yours,

Gerry

* * *

A/N: Finished. Please review with your comments, it's nice to know somebody is actually reading this, and I like to read them. Thanks.

-RisingFire


	4. 101 Ways to give Voldemort a Headache

A/N: The list for the two previous chapters. I'm sorry it took so long.

Disclaimer: I WISH I owned it.

**101 WAYS TO GIVE VOLDEMORT A HEADACHE**

1. Interrupt his internal raving.

2. Suggest that he should see a therapist.

3. Mother him.

4. Make up insinuating names for him such as 'Thomas Puzzle'.

5. Call him 'Tommy-boy'.

6. Call him 'Voldy-poo'.

7. Post a mongoose to him. Ensure that it attempts to eat Nagini.

8. Tell him that his plans are girlie.

9. Tell him that he would suit pink better than black.

10. Schedule him a haircut. Even though he's bald.

11. Whenever he loses his temper, tell him to go to his 'happy place'.

12. Recommend anger management classes.

13. Insist that he apologises for anything remotely insulting.

14. Say that he should dance in the rain.

15. Tell him his soul needs cleansing.

16. Colour his toenails pink.

17. Colour his robes pink.

18. Colour the Dark Mark pink, because it's more 'socially acceptable'.

19. Mention that Unforgivable Curses are becoming rather over-used.

20. Tell him to stop 'shrieking', because it's 'not very manly'.

21. Snicker at him.

22. Give him a theme song, for example, 'I feel pretty'.

23. Force the Death eaters to sing it in his presence.

24. Wake him up with hits from the Beach Boys.

25. Lean over him, Dobby-style.

26. Tell him to 'stop killing things'.

27. Interrupt his meetings by apparating.

28. Tell him to 'chill'.

29. Suggest to him that he could be Harry Potter's father.

30 Compare his situation to Star Wars.

31. Tell him to tickle people instead of torturing them.

32. Insist on celebrating Christmas.

33. Let off party poppers in his face.

34. Buy him presents. Make sure they're terrible.

35. Knit him disgusting, socks. (Pink, of course.)

36. Say that Harry Potter's scar is 'really cool'.

37. Suggest an acupuncture treatment.

38. Ask him where his Christmas Spirit is.

39. Get the Death Eaters to sing 'I wish it could be Christmas everyday' at him.

40. Decorate his masks with glitter.

41. Use cutesy phrases such as 'It'll be just like taking candy from a baby' and 'pushing up daisies'.

42. Tell him that Nagini is 'pretty', and such.

43. Liken Nagini to makes of sweets.

44. Correct his grammar in the middle of his dastardly plans.

45. Tel him to stop glaring, because 'it'll give him wrinkles'.

46. Tell him that 'bellowing isn't good for the throat'.

47. Apparate away as soon as he sends a killing curse your way. Then tell him to improve his aim.

48. Get him to kill his own Death-Eaters.

49. Free his house-elves.

50. Hug him at random moments.

51. Patronise him.

52. Tell him not to swear.

53. Dose Nagini with a love potion. Aim her affections at Peter Pettigrew.

54. Colour his dinner-plates purple.

55. Colour his entire bedchamber purple.

56. Black-mail him over his teddy bear.

57. Tell him to lie in a field of flowers.

58. Suggest that he donate large sums of money to good causes.

59. Bring up the subject of Harry's victory over the basilisk.

60. Name Harry Potter 'the-boy-who-you-just-can't-seem-to-kill'.

61. Suggest that he should just kiss and make-up with Harry Potter. It would save so much trouble.

62. Name Harry Potter ' the-one-whose-scar-is-better-than-your-nose'.

63. Suggest that Harry Potter humiliates him often.

64. Suggest that he should look like harry Potter.

65. Ignore him. Tell him to 'talk to the hand'.

66. Hum 'I wish it could be Christmas everyday', after the earlier incident.

67. Say that his relationship with Bellatrix is great.

68. Ask if you can plan the wedding.

69. When he denies the relationship, attempt to play matchmaker. Fail blatantly.

70. Repeat your suggestions of not shouting. Alert him to the fact that his voice is becoming quite hoarse.

71. Offer him massage coupons.

72. Upset Bellatrix into crying over him.

73. Make him a Facebook page.

74. Interrupt his squaring up to Harry Potter with stupid comments.

75. Render him speechless in public.

76. Give Harry Potter increasingly lengthy middle names, such as 'poor-Harry-who-really-makes-you-wonder-why-we-still-bother-fighting-for-you,-I-mean,-it's-obvious-he's-going-to-win-Potter'.

77. Do this in front of Harry.

78. Insinuate that he is afraid of saying Harry Potter's name.

79. Spread the rumour further that he's Harry's father.

80. Encourage a riot in the ranks of the Death Eaters.

81. Call him 'Moldywart'.

82. Set an army of sock puppets on him.

83. Enchant them into familiar figures...

84. Enchant them to tell him not to swear.

85. Allow his victims to escape.

86. Attach rabbit ears to his head with a permanent sticking charm.

87. Enchant posters of a naked Dumbledore to follow him.

88. Call him nicknames at every chance.

89. Play a fanfare of trumpets at his entrance to rooms.

90. Enchant finger puppets to re-enact failed battles of his.

91. Attach the smell of lavender to him.

92. Suggest that he get a job as a florist.

93. Suggest that he shouldn't be afraid of 'dear old Dumbles'. Mention sherbet lemons.

94. Offer him chocolate milk.

95. Insist on a carebear-themed birthday party.

96. Throw confetti at him.

97. Start up a game of Twister between him and the Death Eaters.

98. Make him play Poker, and tell him he has no poker-face. Ask him how he expects to defeat Harry Potter without it.

99. Face-paints. Need I say more?

100. Insist that he try various nefarious meals, such as Nagini, a rat found in Peter Pettigrew's room, or a potion found in Snape's room.

101. Tell him that a Death Eater (any one, it doesn't matter) has a crush on him. Repeat.

A/N: Please review with suggestions for more chapters, I do appreciate your input and I'm running out of ideas! Thanks.

-RisingFire


	5. 101 Ways To Annoy a Slytherin

AN/ So, I'm back. It has been a while, hasn't it? I'm really sorry, and I'm afraid a lot of this might not seem particularly funny. But it's a chapter!

A lot of these are adapted versions of 101 Ways to Annoy Snape lists I've found on the internet, so some of the credit must go to the author of those- who, unfortunately, I cannot actually find to credit.

Disclaimer: I don't own… well, most of this. But especially not Harry Potter.

* * *

**101 WAYS TO ANNOY A SLYTHERIN**

* * *

1. Completely ignore their existence. Do not pay them the smallest amount of attention whatsoever. Act as though you cannot see them. If they speak, do not answer. If they are right in front of you, look straight through them. Constantly ask other people (when they can hear you) where all of the Slytherins have disappeared to.

2. Tell them that the 'Sexual Tension' between Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter is becoming unbearable.

3. Recite muggle fairy-tales to them before bed.

4. Steal their supply of green and black clothing.

5. Insinuate things about their mother. Note: N.A. to Blaise Zabini, as many of them are true.

6. Suggest that their 'snakes' are smaller than those of a Gryffindor.

7. Smile at them. Constantly.

8. Insist that inside all of them is a Hufflepuff trying to get out.

9. Attempt to free said 'inner Hufflepuff'.

10. Colour their hair red and gold in their sleep. Don't tell them.

11. Compose a rhyme using the expressions 'pretty as a baby deer', 'cute as baby bunnies' and 'softer than a Hufflepuff'. Sing it to them as often as possible.

12. Attempt to match-make the entire house with all of Gryffindor.

13. Dye everything pink. Common rooms, bathrooms, quills, toes, robes, bags, dormitories, noses… everything.

14. Slip them a Babbling Brew with their morning pumpkin juice.

15. Serenade them in Potions class.

16. Begin a pillow fight between them and Gryffindor. Remind them of said pillow fight at every opportunity.

17. Destroy their ideals with irritatingly logical arguments.

18. Smother them with love in an effort to 'soften them up'.

19. Force them to live with a muggleborn or a Weasley for a month.

20. Reference muggle technology or expressions within earshot of them.

21. Refuse to tell them your blood status, leaving them in a state of suspended paranoia and wondering whether they should be sucking-up to you or treating you like dirt.

22. Ambush them between classes to wish them a nice day and give them a hug.

23. Paint clowns face on them while they're sleeping.

24. Hang them upside down in front of the lake by their ankles and threaten to date their crush when you let them down. Oh, wait…

25. Lock them in Moaning Myrtles bathroom.

26. Force them to sing muggle songs from the eighties, in the correct clothing for that era.

27. Put a mongoose in their beds.

28. Feed them a love potion, forcing them to fall in love with a teacher of your choice.

29. Free their house-elves.

30. Mix up their hair products.

31. Cut up, burn, vanish or eat their copies of the 'Slytherin Handbook'.

32. Write love letters on their behalf to anyone and everyone.

33. Replace all Slytherin insignias you can find with a smiley face and the motto, 'Peace, Happiness and Understanding'.

34. Throw cookies at them.

35. Give them huge, obtrusive bunny ears and tails.

36. Scatter rose petals in front of them as they walk.

37. Snigger at them constantly. Stop and look innocent whenever they turn around to glare at you.

38. Become both their hidden-conscience and their inner-satan. Stick your head over their shoulder and talk to them in character. With costume.

39. Bribe Prefects and Heads to abuse their power by deducting points for 'wasting oxygen for important people' and other such excuses.

40. Transfigure their robes into large, Molly Weasley-esque jumpers with neon 's's on the front.

41. Discover their middle names. Blackmail them with this information.

42. Draw lightening-bolt scars on their foreheads in their sleep.

43. Use numerous WWW products on them.

44. Nickname your quill 'Snakie' and talk to it during classes with them.

45. Enchant them to break into song whenever Snape walks in. Suggestions: Christina Aguilera's 'Nasty Naughty Boy', Marvin Gayes 'Lets Get It On'.

46. Go Christmas carolling through their dungeon. In July.

47. Alter the passwords to things such as, 'Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow', 'The Candy man Can!' and 'Whiskers on kittens'.

48. Accessorize them with daisy chains.

49. Form them into a cheerleading squad. With outfits.

50. Send Valentines to Snape on their behalf.

51. Follow them around singing cheerful Beatles songs until you can sing no more.

52. Celebrate every single birthday you know of with them. Insist on all parties being telly-tubby-themed.

53. Attack them with their own shiny silverware.

54. Cause a rebellion within the ranks of the house-elves.

55. Copy what they say, down to the letter- in a ridiculous Irish accent.

56. Charm their faces into permanent expressions of rapturous enjoyment.

57. Propose to them in regularly outlandish ways.

58. Insinuate lewd possibilities about absolutely anything they say.

59. Transfigure their robes into matching Power-rangers outfits.

60. Leave them in small groups naked in the Forbidden Forest.

61. Insist that every Slytherin needs their apple. When asked for an explanation, reveal the secret relationship of 'Drapple'.

62. Leave clues to a secret relationship between Blaise Zabini and Ginny Weasley all over the place.

63. Get them drunk enough to spill all their secrets and use them for nefarious purposes the remainder of the year.

64. Pass out sweets in class. Insist that they eat them, and then tell on them to McGonagall.

65. 'Reveal' Draco Malfoy's secret relationship between he, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger.

66. Charge them entry into the Great Hall.

67. Force them to partake in ritualistic animal sacrifices. Use them as the sacrifice if they don't co-operate.

68. Quote Austin Powers to them.

69. Transfigure their robes into comic-book style super-hero tights, cape, logo and utility belt.

70. Start a campaign promoting the revelation and embrace of 'the good, dear, sweet Slytherins'.

71. 'Accidentally' hold staring contests with them without letting them know. When they move their head or blink, shout, "HAH! I WON, YOU FILTHY SNAKE!"

72. Stage proper wild-west cowboy duels between them and the Gryffindors. Insist on refereeing.

73. Research exactly how inbred they truly are.

74. Proclaim today 'Hug a Slytherin day'. Ensure that everyone takes part.

75. Proclaim tomorrow 'Adopt a Slytherin day'. Ensure that everyone takes part.

76. Proclaim the next day 'Steal a Slytherin's tie day'. Wonder how many times you will get away with this.

77. Set up a shrine to them somewhere public. Donate several 'gifts' from the Weasley Twins to this shrine.

78. Fill their beds with fluffy, happy, cute little creatures. While the beds are occupied.

79. Steal and publicly hold for ransom their teddy bears. If they don't have one… what the world doesn't know won't hurt them.

80. Observe them intently. Take notes.

81. Use them as WWW guinea pigs. Without their knowledge.

82. Start a compulsory Slytherin-only dance class.

83. Fill their dormitories, floor to ceiling, with helium balloons.

84. Organise a mass Confundus Charm causing them to begin a Mexican wave in Potions.

85. Breed fuzzy animals in their bathtubs.

86. Project regular 'A Very Potter Musical' and 'A Very Potter Sequel' Lauren Lopez floor-roll clips onto the walls beside them. Point out the Slytherin tie and ask them to demonstrate their own rolls.

87. Owl Drarry slash-fics to the Slytherin populace.

88. Remove all body hair while they sleep. ALL.

89. Keep the hair. Have fun with Polyjuice.

90. Nickname them after various well-known fairies, such as 'Tinkerbell', 'The Good Fairy' and 'The Sugar-Plum Fairy'.

91. Organise them into a Hokey-Kokey chorus. Demonstrate this all over school.

92. Transfigure random articles of their clothing into butterflies.

93. Make vague illusions to the questionable relations between them and their Head of House.

94. Heckle their Quidditch performance.

95. Charm their robes to sing a cover of our old favourite, 'I feel Pretty'.96. Keep a record of anything they say. Quote it back to them at pre-decided intervals.

97. At Easter, charm them all to look, act and talk like Easter Bunnies. In the back of their mind leave the Slytherin presence, screaming and crying out faintly that what their body is doing is very, very wrong.

98. On St. Patricks Day, repeat the process, except make them look like leprechauns. Complete with beards.

99. Around Christmas time, turn them all into elves. Have them follow Professor Snape around. Charm him to look like Santa Clause. Why not complete the process, and change Crabbe and Goyle into reindeer?

100. Write fake articles based on anything they say. It doesn't have to be accurate.

101. Stop doing anything to them, and merely grin evilly at all times. Watch the paranoia, until one of them cracks under the pressure and is sent to the Hospital Wing. Mission accomplished.

* * *

AN/ It's nice to be writing this again. I hope you liked it.

~RisingFire


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